Am I immune to this horrible neglected, shunned aside feeling?
Or have I chosen to persuade myself that all of these are just my wayward thoughts?

I do declare that friends are my infinite source of motivations each time I'm struck. Their company is where I find myself recharged after feeling exhausted from all the mundane life cycle that I go through.
But what do I do, or how am I suppose to cope when I feel that my energy bars are running out?

Its so much like a sugar rush effect. When I'm tired, when I feel so encouraged to break down, I take gulps of red bull. Energized by the sugar rush effect, I continue my routines. But when the sugar rush effects wears off, I find myself worse off than initially. Should I have not taken those gulps of red bull?

I really miss those days when we're stuck in Deyi. We may not be the best school in town, but I believe the friendships and company are the best I can ever ask for in my life. I regret, I regret not paying enough attention to my friends, not dedicating enough of my time to them. Well, at that very moment, I may have thought I was doing enough. But thinking back now, it's more of quantity than quality.

Embarking on a new journey ahead.. Lifting my first foot, hesistating if I should step into this self proclaimed torture. Before my foot hit the road willingly, a strong force pushed me into all of it. I don't have a choice. I just had to carry everything out, just as I am supposed to.
Hence, I entered MJC, not knowing a single one there. Telling myself, I'd probably be able to find friends easily in a new environment. And of course, I really bothered to keep in contact with probably those who mattered a world to me. Unknowingly, I realised that I've actually walked through a quarter of hell, with buckets of sweat and bins of soaked tissues.
And now I ask myself, what's real to me?

Lately I've been thinking alot, much about what and how I'm going to drive this plain torture until it hits a brightly litted street.
Celine, what do you really want in life?
I ever once promise myself that in future, I would not seek for fortune, because I don't want to be best friends with those coloured papers. I remember myself sharing this with my mum, I told her. I will find a group of friends that would last until I die. With them, I don't have to worry whether I would get attached. I could still remember the smile on her face, she just replied me, my dear that's only when you can find them. Confidently, I assured her that I'll find myself sitting in a coffee shop with my dearest friends chatting when I'm 50 and they will also be the ones present when I'm on my deathbed. And even if friends don't exist, I told her I have my cousins.

Such pride and confidence I have in myself. A few years ago, I found a need to re-evaluate this speech. My cousins left me. Hence, once again, I tell myself I'll have my inexhaustible loving friends beside me till the point that I'm called to leave the world.

With half a pill of faith left in me, I swallowed the harsh cold fact. Slowly getting over how I've lost my dearest cousins. The ones I've grew up with and knew best about. With that half a pill of faith, I thought I could conquer the rest of my life.

And tonight, I sense the need to re-think about my speech again. Before I start thinking of how to say it, maybe I'll first like to know what's real in my life.
The tangible, the intangible. The right-before-my-eyes, the diminishings.

My love, my best friends, my good friends, my friends, my acquaintances.
Maybe it was just all hallucinations.