have been pondering over a few thoughts lately.

1. discovered that everytime I wanna let someone into my life, and understand the pain and troubles I'm going through, the words get stuck at my throat, and someother nonsensical stuff would then come out of my mouth to change topic. yet those thoughts are the reasons why these days I hardly find myself smiling.
   
2. have realised that sometimes having a superficial front is actually very important. in terms of making friends, and extending my network with the people around me. I should probably not let my emotions control the people I want to mix with. I shouldn't judge whether they are my friends or not based on whether I like them. and in any case, who knows whether they are truly my friends.
   
3. promos is really closing in, probably everyone else knows that. every year end, such torment reoccurs. but what really made this so significant? maybe its because this is the first time I'm posed with the possibility of not making into J2? The first time Celine hears that she may get to retain. Or maybe this is the most torturing year of school I've ever gotten.
   
4. what does retaining actually mean to me? a stain, a smudge on my life, or something that I'm really gonna face pretty soon, and I can be bothered about its happening? guess in everything I do, or rather it being the nature of human, failure hits exceptionally hard when its the first time. Yes, I agree that to me it is going to be a stain, a smudge that no matter how hard I strive in future I wouldn't be able to get rid of it. But I really don't know if my capabilities can help me turn the tables over this time round.
5. so what if I've made it into J2, will I be able to make it into a University?
   

These thoughts are no different from putting me in the middle of the sea, getting washed by every wave that comes my way. I'm really drowning, this is for real. Noticing the change happening in me, but yet feeling helpless cos what can I do anyway! I don't want to lose the real me, I still want to be myself. I've sold myself to college life. The life in which I thought it would be fun and interesting before I've entered it.